Exorcist Wanted

Multiple sightings of demonic behavior in an area woman have led citizens to seek the services of an exorcist. The woman in question, Trasha Gunk, is said to haunt the halls of the Godfather's Academy for BS and Nerds where she kidnaps students and forces them to submit to copious amount of irrelevant numbers, threatening their lives and the lives of their families if they fail to complete impossible tasks she sets for them.

In attempting to locate witness's or potential interviewees our reporters were repeatedly stymied by the mentally distraught condition or all survivors of her obnoxiously accented tyranny. However our team was able to locate one student who could form words.

Alez Queen, a formerly semi-intelligent life form, only managed the following declaration, as he flopped in the mud like a wounded capybara.

"Calc- brought it- ulator. Swear. I. Mmnh. Mmnh."

Leading linguists are attempting to decipher meaning in this seemingly abstract sentence that he repeats at the sight of a Prezi presentation. The predominant theory is that the statment is an implanted mantra created by the demonic Gunk, who has broken his medula oblongata. (Others include links to trauma caused by Fjord Asshat foricibly tatooing him on the bus floor and the performance of the Harrisonburger Prep basketball team.)

"This threat has gone unopposed long enough," said heroic, yet oppressed mafia boss Laser Bream, in response to the queries of Queen's parents.

However analysts predict that Bream will again bow to Gunk's demands for continued accomadation. Bream has a history of adversity with Gunk, whose satanic practices she has challenged in the past. In 2005 Bream was in the process of banishing Gunk from her lair in the Academy's cellars, when the devil spawn destoyed Beam's home planet of Alderon. This loss took a heavy mental toll on Bream who has be in Gunk's pocket ever since.

Outside action is being taken by the Page County Police Department, who were unavailable for comment due to broken down tractors. However the authorities have announced that they are accepting all offers from area exorcists. Except for Bob, because "He REALLY fucked up that cow."