"Gangsta" Disrespects Authority

IN BREAKING NEWS:

Self styled "thug" Terrence Arnold Jones, 17, was recently heard to ask an authority figure at Harrisonburger Prep: "I mean when am I ever going to use this @#$%? You're trying to ruin my ****ing life mister!" Later that night Jones was seen defacing private property while smoking tobacco.

When asked to comment on his own anti-social behavior Jones offered "This is my turf @#$%&."

When asked if he realized that his teacher probably had Jones's best interests at heart he replied "@#$% &*%$##$ %^$#@! &*^$#@#$@&!!!!!!!"

The situation is under observation.

VP People Actually Like Flees

In other, sadder news Harrisonburger Prep is losing one of the two members of the administrative staff who isn't the recipient of daily verbal abuse by the student body, that man is Arnold Nap, the other of course being Eileen Brenalds who will also be leaving H-Prep before the 2011-12 school year.

Theories vary on why the two best loved administrators would both leave in such a small period of time, though many analysts accuse Chuck Erie another VP of trying to stage a coup. Others however blame Spotty Wood Prison Camp insurgents, the economy, swine flu, the attractiveness bubble, Obamacare, sheer intimidation at the arrival of Tank Sinclair, and the softball team.

Nap was reportedly seen around the academy looking "extra happy" according to one witness, and "positively bubbly" according to another, several days before the public announcement was made.

"If we didn't have a host of other things to blame for his departure and make ourselves feel good, I'd almost think he was happy to go," said math teacher Kelly Fritz.

"It's really a blow," said junior Billy Grimeson. "He was my VP and I always looked down on people with surnames alphabetically distant from my own. Now I guess I'm in with the other suckers."

Many students say that they'll miss having a young, friendly, approachable vice principal around.

"I mean now it's like 'Yuck!'" contends junior Zohana Ramirez. "Scrupco is the awkwardest thing I've seen since Abuelita took me to see the Hangover con Las Tias. And Erie is straight grouchy. I'll miss Nap, he wasn't super weird. Plus he was kind of cute."

"Mostly I'll miss his hot girlfriend," mourns Camcaz Mickdonald.

No one knows the real reason for his departure but his presence will be missed by all.

Arctic Monkeys

Love them? Hate them? Like British alt rock/punk? Never heard of them? Suicidal? High? Attend Harrisonburger Prep?

This needs to be cleared up, it just read weird. What I'm saying is I will give you their first album if you want it.

Beppilogues

There is a certain math teacher with perfect hearing at Harrisonburger Prep who many refer to as their favorite teacher of all time. This man rarely shows movies in class, and when he does they pertain closely to the book the class is reading at the time, he controls the class with an iron fist and is favor of regularly assigning lengthy essays. Let me repeat: HE SHOWS NO MOVIES. His teaching assistant is a sweet, easy to get along with young lady who brightens the mood of the room with her mere presence.

This man's name is Jose Bepples. This is a collection of his wise sayings over the course of a year, carefully compiled by one of our editors.

1. "Quiet, I'm about to drop a bombshell."

2. "Hemingway could take a dump in a box and people would call it great."

3. "I'm a minion in the thrall of society."

4. "Sometimes in life, love transcends all. I think I've got that in my 4th block."

5. "If I get kicked I'm gonna whoop somebody's ass. And I'm not even joking."

6. "Emmett, even Stevie Wonder could see you're texting you ass off over there."

7. "Half my diet ends in -ito."

8. "I'm surprised you can fit in the room with the size of your intellect."

9. "Check out this new font I found for the quiz. It's business-like; yet playful."



Vote for your favorite in the comment section, depending on the results and interest t-shirts will be made.

LGC for You and Me/Damn Hippies

In Harrisonburg, and only Harrisonburg, can one can bliss out to the tune of a tall stack of Blue Monkeys (even at night!), while admiring an impressive Star Wars figurine collection (“We were kind of going for a juxtaposition thing,” said worker owner Josh Vannah, in reference to the Jabba the Hutt’s guards relaxing in the Ewok fort.) and listening to a CD of the restaurant’s own band, the Dish Dogs.

“Where?” some you ask. “Does this magical location truly exist? Can I really do all these wonderful things? Tell me the name of this place!”

Yes you can actually go there, it is called: The Little Grill Collective. The address is 621 N. Main St. Harrisonburger Not VA. The phone number is 434-3594. Now is your chance. Go forth my children.

Now that the weirdos have left their computers and sprinted out the door, the rest of you are saying “Sounds like a hippie dump with bizarre paintings and dirty floors.” Bear with me and I will try to address these concerns and others.

First, not a dump but yes, hippies are allowed to enter in the spirit of equality. BUT the LGC hasn’t gone completely insane, displayed prominently in the front window is a sign reading: “HIPPIES USE SIDE DOOR”, a rule that is strictly adhered to. So at least you don’t have to walk in with them. (Unfortunately the restaurant does not yet have separate bathrooms for hippies.)

Bizarre paintings are in evidence, but not overbearingly so.
And dirty floors…. yes.

The Grill (as it is casually referred to) is probably best known, at least at Harrisonburger Prep, for its quality breakfast menu, including the classics: pancake, breakfast burritos, omelets. As well as more unique dishes like the Grinder (a funky breakfast sub, my favorite), Tofu Scrambler (spiced tofu and peppers) and vegetarian Groovy Gravy to go with your homemade biscuit.

Lunch and dinner are not to be overlooked though, with excellent plates like the Greek Pasta, Tempeh Rueben (sauerkraut, rye etc. but with tempeh, look it up), Sautéed Portobello Sandwich and locally grown beef hamburgers (not going to mention the price) for lunch and daily special “Nite” for dinner, the schedule is as follows: Mon. Closed, Tue. all-you-can-each Mexi, Wed.
Chef’s Special and Bingo, Thur. Breakfast and Open Mic, Fri. Down Home (fried catfish, mashed potatoes, greens etc.) Monday is the only one I can’t recommend.

Although the Grill has received a lot of press for its abundance of vegetarian and vegan options it’s both very easy to get meat and hard to tell when you don’t

The Open Mic feature of Thursdays deserves mention. MCed by Chris Howdyshell (who is progressively funnier as the night goes on, can’t figure out why…) the event is open to all local talent. Anyone can perform any (within reason) stage act, night’s festivities usually draws a decent crowd and can be an either terrible and boring time or a very cool community event, just depends.

“Wow. What can I say?” said worker owner Ken Gibson, when asked to comment on the restaurant.

Final note: Leaving food on your plate for the dishwasher is considered good taste by the dishwasher.

Terror Alert

Alleged German spy and former student teacher at Harrisonburger Prep School, "Mr. Great", was spotted again (for a second time in as many months) in public. First seen with his mother at the Harrisonburger Costmo and photographed by one of our fearless reporters (picture unavailable because we don't know how to get phone pictures on a blog) and again recently walking down Main St.

Honest Americans are advised to look out for suspicious mustaches and report sighting to the editors of this blog.

Declaration of War

Fellow protectors of common decency I call your attention to the disgraceful antics of one of our editor's friends future classmates, the cad is taking heinous advantage of the anonymity of cyberspace to disrupt a serious philosophical discussion with childish commentary. This is an official Declaration of War against the fiend. Blood not boiling yet? Click here to witness the debacle for yourself.

Any information on the identity of the troublemaker will be destroyed.

A1 Homeless senior finds out we have black president

Every day after track practice senior Antonio Sodd makes the long trek across the Harrisonburger Prep School campus to the dumpsters behind the school, where he does a preliminary search for snacks before heading into the school to his home, the tray return window.

“It’s temporary,” said Sodd. “I’m between housing.”

Apparently he’s been between housing for quite some time, as the tray return smells strongly of unaccomplished homework.

“I know it’s wrong not to do homework,” says Sodd. “But living in a hunter-gather existence like I do it’s hard to justify time for statistics. Sorry Mr. Garret.”

The hunter-gather existence he is referring to is his practice of scrounging food from the returned blue trays.

“It’s hard you know,” said Sodd. “Most people like to destroy our planet by using white trays, so I only get a fraction of the school’s uneaten food.”

The homework problem came to a head for Sodd last semester when the aforementioned Mr. Garret chastised Sodd for incomplete assignments.

“He said ‘Do you think Obama would proud of you?’,” said Sodd. “And I was like ‘What the @#$% is an obama?’”

Garret explained the rise to power of our current president to Sodd.

“When I found out we have a black president I felt like a warm pack of honey mustard sauce being crushed between sandy toes on a beach in May,” Sodd alleges. “Mr. Garret told me more about him, he sounds like a fascist, socialist, communist, terrorist, liberalist, racist. I liked thing better when I was out of the political loop.”

Sodd has since fled the country, if you see this man please contact the authorities.

Vibrations Summer Fest

Highschool musicians this could be your breakout moment!

This summer you can play at the Vibrations Summer Music Festival ABSOLUTELY FREE OF CHARGE.


Contact Alex Hunter-Nickels for more information on your moment in the sun.

Runner Club Update

First ever runner club event:
Ultimate Frisbee game
Sunday, 25 April
Waterman Elementary

emmettstreaks begins, a historic moment in the history of man

The day you've been waiting for is here. Be sure to check this hot new media source for updates on everything the executive board thinks of.