Godzilla Pissed

After years of being viewed as a mere fantasy produced by the Japanese, who are undeniably super-weird, Godzilla has decided to assert his reality. Though captured on camera in Ishirō Honda's 1954 film when he tried to rescue Japan from America two decades too late, Godzilla's existence has been widely doubted in the western world.

After causing such a ruckus while Japan was trying to recover from the effects of two atomic bombs, Godzilla's Asian fan-base largely dissipated forcing him to turn to the West. Who he promptly discovered laughed at the idea of him.

Bad call Mr. Non-Believing-Lei-Wearing-Pineapple-Eating-Surfing-Tiki-Bar-Attending-Pig-Roasting-Hula-Dancing-Hawaiian.

Very bad call.

(Admit that you had no idea where this was going.)

Godzilla, in a press release Thursday, has announced his plan to wipe the first non-believers he encountered off the face of their sad little volcanic paradises. As a legendary sea monster, the minor giant tidal wave he has sent in Hawaii's direction is small peanuts. His formal statement on the issue is as follows;

"Yeah I didn't think I'd need to exert myself to annihilate a bunch of vacationing New Yorkers."

And on the subject of his plans for the rest of the doubters;

"Watch out Silicon Valley."

And on his diabolical plans for Canada;

"I'll get back to you, I've never heard of that."

While Canadians remain temporarily safe, all American citizens are advised to start sacrificing to the dreadful denizen.

"But no more Justin Bieber CD's, you all can actually keep those."

Readers who still doubt Godzilla's a) existence and b) evilness are invited to view the following photographic evidence;

Join Track

Track is awesome.
30 hours a week.
Almost a full time job.
Of awesomeness.

If you want.
You can run.
For a whole hour.
Everyday.
If you work hard, you can drop .02 seconds off your time.
Success.
Just don't drink soda.

Winning is really.
Really.
Really.
Hard.
It never happens.
So when it does, it's that much better.
Right?
Just say yes.

It's so hot.
But in a good way.
I can't breathe.
So I'll run faster.
To force oxygen down my lungs.

Track feels like heaven.
Afterward.
Still counts.

Oh you can cook?
And dance?
And fix cars?
And write?
And weld?
And ride a horse?
And act?
And detect forgeries?
And do kung-fu?
And sing?
And sail a boat?
Interesting.
Very nice.
I'm impressed.
But can you run in a circle?
Didn't think so.

Track is awesome.
30 hours a week.
Almost a full time job.
Of awesomeness.

Exorcist Wanted

Multiple sightings of demonic behavior in an area woman have led citizens to seek the services of an exorcist. The woman in question, Trasha Gunk, is said to haunt the halls of the Godfather's Academy for BS and Nerds where she kidnaps students and forces them to submit to copious amount of irrelevant numbers, threatening their lives and the lives of their families if they fail to complete impossible tasks she sets for them.

In attempting to locate witness's or potential interviewees our reporters were repeatedly stymied by the mentally distraught condition or all survivors of her obnoxiously accented tyranny. However our team was able to locate one student who could form words.

Alez Queen, a formerly semi-intelligent life form, only managed the following declaration, as he flopped in the mud like a wounded capybara.

"Calc- brought it- ulator. Swear. I. Mmnh. Mmnh."

Leading linguists are attempting to decipher meaning in this seemingly abstract sentence that he repeats at the sight of a Prezi presentation. The predominant theory is that the statment is an implanted mantra created by the demonic Gunk, who has broken his medula oblongata. (Others include links to trauma caused by Fjord Asshat foricibly tatooing him on the bus floor and the performance of the Harrisonburger Prep basketball team.)

"This threat has gone unopposed long enough," said heroic, yet oppressed mafia boss Laser Bream, in response to the queries of Queen's parents.

However analysts predict that Bream will again bow to Gunk's demands for continued accomadation. Bream has a history of adversity with Gunk, whose satanic practices she has challenged in the past. In 2005 Bream was in the process of banishing Gunk from her lair in the Academy's cellars, when the devil spawn destoyed Beam's home planet of Alderon. This loss took a heavy mental toll on Bream who has be in Gunk's pocket ever since.

Outside action is being taken by the Page County Police Department, who were unavailable for comment due to broken down tractors. However the authorities have announced that they are accepting all offers from area exorcists. Except for Bob, because "He REALLY fucked up that cow."

English Teacher Talks A Lot

Breaking News:
Today at the Godfather's Academy for BS and Nerds resident English snob Dr. Shatkins talked a whole lot.

Surprised students questioned this interesting turn of events.

"This is new," said latina superstar Destina Heartman. "He doesn't usually ramble on about whatever he feels like during class discussions."

Students also marveled at the number of random opinions expressed and the impressive amount of sly self-praise.

Shatkins' behavior will most likely return to his regular modest soft spoken behavior though some analysts are concerned.