Friday, February 17, 2012
Star Reporter Returns
After an extended stint in the Harrisonburger Preparatory School dungeons, the Emmettstreak's one and only field reporter is back in the field, opposing crimes against humanity during the day, and the Bobogoblins from Zelda by night. Originally imprisoned indefinitely for wearing his hood in class, our bright young star has fought his way out, past legions of creepily motherly mocha-skinned H-Burg Prep cops and bald Goliaths. Look for his awe-inspiring coverage of local issues in the weeks to come.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Godzilla Pissed
After years of being viewed as a mere fantasy produced by the Japanese, who are undeniably super-weird, Godzilla has decided to assert his reality. Though captured on camera in IshirÅ Honda's 1954 film when he tried to rescue Japan from America two decades too late, Godzilla's existence has been widely doubted in the western world.
After causing such a ruckus while Japan was trying to recover from the effects of two atomic bombs, Godzilla's Asian fan-base largely dissipated forcing him to turn to the West. Who he promptly discovered laughed at the idea of him.
Bad call Mr. Non-Believing-Lei-Wearing-Pineapple-Eating-Surfing-Tiki-Bar-Attending-Pig-Roasting-Hula-Dancing-Hawaiian.
Very bad call.
(Admit that you had no idea where this was going.)
Godzilla, in a press release Thursday, has announced his plan to wipe the first non-believers he encountered off the face of their sad little volcanic paradises. As a legendary sea monster, the minor giant tidal wave he has sent in Hawaii's direction is small peanuts. His formal statement on the issue is as follows;
"Yeah I didn't think I'd need to exert myself to annihilate a bunch of vacationing New Yorkers."
And on the subject of his plans for the rest of the doubters;
"Watch out Silicon Valley."
And on his diabolical plans for Canada;
"I'll get back to you, I've never heard of that."
While Canadians remain temporarily safe, all American citizens are advised to start sacrificing to the dreadful denizen.
"But no more Justin Bieber CD's, you all can actually keep those."
Readers who still doubt Godzilla's a) existence and b) evilness are invited to view the following photographic evidence;
After causing such a ruckus while Japan was trying to recover from the effects of two atomic bombs, Godzilla's Asian fan-base largely dissipated forcing him to turn to the West. Who he promptly discovered laughed at the idea of him.
Bad call Mr. Non-Believing-Lei-Wearing-Pineapple-Eating-Surfing-Tiki-Bar-Attending-Pig-Roasting-Hula-Dancing-Hawaiian.
Very bad call.
(Admit that you had no idea where this was going.)
Godzilla, in a press release Thursday, has announced his plan to wipe the first non-believers he encountered off the face of their sad little volcanic paradises. As a legendary sea monster, the minor giant tidal wave he has sent in Hawaii's direction is small peanuts. His formal statement on the issue is as follows;
"Yeah I didn't think I'd need to exert myself to annihilate a bunch of vacationing New Yorkers."
And on the subject of his plans for the rest of the doubters;
"Watch out Silicon Valley."
And on his diabolical plans for Canada;
"I'll get back to you, I've never heard of that."
While Canadians remain temporarily safe, all American citizens are advised to start sacrificing to the dreadful denizen.
"But no more Justin Bieber CD's, you all can actually keep those."
Readers who still doubt Godzilla's a) existence and b) evilness are invited to view the following photographic evidence;
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Join Track
Track is awesome.
30 hours a week.
Almost a full time job.
Of awesomeness.
If you want.
You can run.
For a whole hour.
Everyday.
If you work hard, you can drop .02 seconds off your time.
Success.
Just don't drink soda.
Winning is really.
Really.
Really.
Hard.
It never happens.
So when it does, it's that much better.
Right?
Just say yes.
It's so hot.
But in a good way.
I can't breathe.
So I'll run faster.
To force oxygen down my lungs.
Track feels like heaven.
Afterward.
Still counts.
Oh you can cook?
And dance?
And fix cars?
And write?
And weld?
And ride a horse?
And act?
And detect forgeries?
And do kung-fu?
And sing?
And sail a boat?
Interesting.
Very nice.
I'm impressed.
But can you run in a circle?
Didn't think so.
Track is awesome.
30 hours a week.
Almost a full time job.
Of awesomeness.
30 hours a week.
Almost a full time job.
Of awesomeness.
If you want.
You can run.
For a whole hour.
Everyday.
If you work hard, you can drop .02 seconds off your time.
Success.
Just don't drink soda.
Winning is really.
Really.
Really.
Hard.
It never happens.
So when it does, it's that much better.
Right?
Just say yes.
It's so hot.
But in a good way.
I can't breathe.
So I'll run faster.
To force oxygen down my lungs.
Track feels like heaven.
Afterward.
Still counts.
Oh you can cook?
And dance?
And fix cars?
And write?
And weld?
And ride a horse?
And act?
And detect forgeries?
And do kung-fu?
And sing?
And sail a boat?
Interesting.
Very nice.
I'm impressed.
But can you run in a circle?
Didn't think so.
Track is awesome.
30 hours a week.
Almost a full time job.
Of awesomeness.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Exorcist Wanted
Multiple sightings of demonic behavior in an area woman have led citizens to seek the services of an exorcist. The woman in question, Trasha Gunk, is said to haunt the halls of the Godfather's Academy for BS and Nerds where she kidnaps students and forces them to submit to copious amount of irrelevant numbers, threatening their lives and the lives of their families if they fail to complete impossible tasks she sets for them.
In attempting to locate witness's or potential interviewees our reporters were repeatedly stymied by the mentally distraught condition or all survivors of her obnoxiously accented tyranny. However our team was able to locate one student who could form words.
Alez Queen, a formerly semi-intelligent life form, only managed the following declaration, as he flopped in the mud like a wounded capybara.
"Calc- brought it- ulator. Swear. I. Mmnh. Mmnh."
Leading linguists are attempting to decipher meaning in this seemingly abstract sentence that he repeats at the sight of a Prezi presentation. The predominant theory is that the statment is an implanted mantra created by the demonic Gunk, who has broken his medula oblongata. (Others include links to trauma caused by Fjord Asshat foricibly tatooing him on the bus floor and the performance of the Harrisonburger Prep basketball team.)
"This threat has gone unopposed long enough," said heroic, yet oppressed mafia boss Laser Bream, in response to the queries of Queen's parents.
However analysts predict that Bream will again bow to Gunk's demands for continued accomadation. Bream has a history of adversity with Gunk, whose satanic practices she has challenged in the past. In 2005 Bream was in the process of banishing Gunk from her lair in the Academy's cellars, when the devil spawn destoyed Beam's home planet of Alderon. This loss took a heavy mental toll on Bream who has be in Gunk's pocket ever since.
Outside action is being taken by the Page County Police Department, who were unavailable for comment due to broken down tractors. However the authorities have announced that they are accepting all offers from area exorcists. Except for Bob, because "He REALLY fucked up that cow."
In attempting to locate witness's or potential interviewees our reporters were repeatedly stymied by the mentally distraught condition or all survivors of her obnoxiously accented tyranny. However our team was able to locate one student who could form words.
Alez Queen, a formerly semi-intelligent life form, only managed the following declaration, as he flopped in the mud like a wounded capybara.
"Calc- brought it- ulator. Swear. I. Mmnh. Mmnh."
Leading linguists are attempting to decipher meaning in this seemingly abstract sentence that he repeats at the sight of a Prezi presentation. The predominant theory is that the statment is an implanted mantra created by the demonic Gunk, who has broken his medula oblongata. (Others include links to trauma caused by Fjord Asshat foricibly tatooing him on the bus floor and the performance of the Harrisonburger Prep basketball team.)
"This threat has gone unopposed long enough," said heroic, yet oppressed mafia boss Laser Bream, in response to the queries of Queen's parents.
However analysts predict that Bream will again bow to Gunk's demands for continued accomadation. Bream has a history of adversity with Gunk, whose satanic practices she has challenged in the past. In 2005 Bream was in the process of banishing Gunk from her lair in the Academy's cellars, when the devil spawn destoyed Beam's home planet of Alderon. This loss took a heavy mental toll on Bream who has be in Gunk's pocket ever since.
Outside action is being taken by the Page County Police Department, who were unavailable for comment due to broken down tractors. However the authorities have announced that they are accepting all offers from area exorcists. Except for Bob, because "He REALLY fucked up that cow."
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
English Teacher Talks A Lot
Breaking News:
Today at the Godfather's Academy for BS and Nerds resident English snob Dr. Shatkins talked a whole lot.
Surprised students questioned this interesting turn of events.
"This is new," said latina superstar Destina Heartman. "He doesn't usually ramble on about whatever he feels like during class discussions."
Students also marveled at the number of random opinions expressed and the impressive amount of sly self-praise.
Shatkins' behavior will most likely return to his regular modest soft spoken behavior though some analysts are concerned.
Today at the Godfather's Academy for BS and Nerds resident English snob Dr. Shatkins talked a whole lot.
Surprised students questioned this interesting turn of events.
"This is new," said latina superstar Destina Heartman. "He doesn't usually ramble on about whatever he feels like during class discussions."
Students also marveled at the number of random opinions expressed and the impressive amount of sly self-praise.
Shatkins' behavior will most likely return to his regular modest soft spoken behavior though some analysts are concerned.
Monday, September 6, 2010
"Gangsta" Disrespects Authority
IN BREAKING NEWS:
Self styled "thug" Terrence Arnold Jones, 17, was recently heard to ask an authority figure at Harrisonburger Prep: "I mean when am I ever going to use this @#$%? You're trying to ruin my ****ing life mister!" Later that night Jones was seen defacing private property while smoking tobacco.
When asked to comment on his own anti-social behavior Jones offered "This is my turf @#$%&."
When asked if he realized that his teacher probably had Jones's best interests at heart he replied "@#$% &*%$##$ %^$#@! &*^$#@#$@&!!!!!!!"
The situation is under observation.
Self styled "thug" Terrence Arnold Jones, 17, was recently heard to ask an authority figure at Harrisonburger Prep: "I mean when am I ever going to use this @#$%? You're trying to ruin my ****ing life mister!" Later that night Jones was seen defacing private property while smoking tobacco.
When asked to comment on his own anti-social behavior Jones offered "This is my turf @#$%&."
When asked if he realized that his teacher probably had Jones's best interests at heart he replied "@#$% &*%$##$ %^$#@! &*^$#@#$@&!!!!!!!"
The situation is under observation.
Friday, September 3, 2010
VP People Actually Like Flees
In other, sadder news Harrisonburger Prep is losing one of the two members of the administrative staff who isn't the recipient of daily verbal abuse by the student body, that man is Arnold Nap, the other of course being Eileen Brenalds who will also be leaving H-Prep before the 2011-12 school year.
Theories vary on why the two best loved administrators would both leave in such a small period of time, though many analysts accuse Chuck Erie another VP of trying to stage a coup. Others however blame Spotty Wood Prison Camp insurgents, the economy, swine flu, the attractiveness bubble, Obamacare, sheer intimidation at the arrival of Tank Sinclair, and the softball team.
Nap was reportedly seen around the academy looking "extra happy" according to one witness, and "positively bubbly" according to another, several days before the public announcement was made.
"If we didn't have a host of other things to blame for his departure and make ourselves feel good, I'd almost think he was happy to go," said math teacher Kelly Fritz.
"It's really a blow," said junior Billy Grimeson. "He was my VP and I always looked down on people with surnames alphabetically distant from my own. Now I guess I'm in with the other suckers."
Many students say that they'll miss having a young, friendly, approachable vice principal around.
"I mean now it's like 'Yuck!'" contends junior Zohana Ramirez. "Scrupco is the awkwardest thing I've seen since Abuelita took me to see the Hangover con Las Tias. And Erie is straight grouchy. I'll miss Nap, he wasn't super weird. Plus he was kind of cute."
"Mostly I'll miss his hot girlfriend," mourns Camcaz Mickdonald.
No one knows the real reason for his departure but his presence will be missed by all.
Theories vary on why the two best loved administrators would both leave in such a small period of time, though many analysts accuse Chuck Erie another VP of trying to stage a coup. Others however blame Spotty Wood Prison Camp insurgents, the economy, swine flu, the attractiveness bubble, Obamacare, sheer intimidation at the arrival of Tank Sinclair, and the softball team.
Nap was reportedly seen around the academy looking "extra happy" according to one witness, and "positively bubbly" according to another, several days before the public announcement was made.
"If we didn't have a host of other things to blame for his departure and make ourselves feel good, I'd almost think he was happy to go," said math teacher Kelly Fritz.
"It's really a blow," said junior Billy Grimeson. "He was my VP and I always looked down on people with surnames alphabetically distant from my own. Now I guess I'm in with the other suckers."
Many students say that they'll miss having a young, friendly, approachable vice principal around.
"I mean now it's like 'Yuck!'" contends junior Zohana Ramirez. "Scrupco is the awkwardest thing I've seen since Abuelita took me to see the Hangover con Las Tias. And Erie is straight grouchy. I'll miss Nap, he wasn't super weird. Plus he was kind of cute."
"Mostly I'll miss his hot girlfriend," mourns Camcaz Mickdonald.
No one knows the real reason for his departure but his presence will be missed by all.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Arctic Monkeys
Love them? Hate them? Like British alt rock/punk? Never heard of them? Suicidal? High? Attend Harrisonburger Prep?
This needs to be cleared up, it just read weird. What I'm saying is I will give you their first album if you want it.
This needs to be cleared up, it just read weird. What I'm saying is I will give you their first album if you want it.
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